Wear a white v-neck undershirt, aviator sunglasses and look 20 years younger than your actual age. (Orange swim-trunks optional.)
Make love in the dirt singin’ your birthday songs. (Warning: Illegal in most municipalities.)
Ride that tilt-a-whirl down on the south beach drag. (Warning: May cause nausea.)
Chase something in the night. (Warning: May cause burns, blindness.)
Wear your Kennedy Center Honors medal to the mall and see if anybody comments on it.
Go on a ride down to the river in a stolen car and never come back.
Lean on a large black man and see what happens.
Make crosses from your lovers and throw roses in the rain, whatever that means.
Get the band back together.
Sit barefoot on the hood of a Dodge drinking warm beer in the soft summer rain. Please be sure to put the Dodge in park first. Boy, did we find that out the hard way.
Go out to Highway 31, find a stick and poke a dead one-legged dog that’s been beat too much. On second thought, don’t do that.
Get your girlfriend pregnant and a) get a union job and a wedding coat; or b) run away to south Texas in a dirty oil patch and swear you’re never goin’ back. On second thought, don’t get your girlfriend pregnant.
Grab a child you don’t know to sing the chorus of “Waitin’ on a Sunny Day.” (Warning: Illegal in most municipalities.)
Yeah, that checkout girl you’ve been eyeing down at the supermarket for the last year and a half? Just ask her out already.
Take a long walk home, ideally from the edge of town. But if you live near the edge of town, start in the center of town and work your way out. Whichever it is, it should be dark by the time you get there.
Go out to your barn and, if there’s a tuba player there, jam with him.
Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive, not necessarily in that order.
Dance with Courtney Cox. If Courtney Cox is not available, dance across the porch as the radio plays. If a porch is not available, dance with your shirt open like Latin lovers along the shore. If you don’t have a shirt, we recommend getting a white, v-neck undershirt (see No. 1).
One word: RAMROD.
“Open your ears and open your hearts. Don’t take yourself too seriously, and take yourself as seriously as death itself. Don’t worry. Worry your ass off. Have ironclad confidence, but doubt – it keeps you awake and alert. Believe you are the baddest ass in town, and, you suck!” (Words to live by from the birthday boy himself.)
Happy Birthday, Bruce — and thanks.
Add your ways to celebrate Bruce’s birthday in the comments!